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Tales from the Home Office...
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Skip the Vacuum Cleaner - Bring out the
Hose.
I think we have all been in homes
where there is "a place for everything and everything
is neatly in its place". For the longest time I tried
to live that way too. But over the course of time my eight
kids have literally brought me to my knees. They have shattered
every illusion that I ever had about order and structure.
And to be honest, it hasn't been all bad. I am more at peace
with my world than I used to be. My friends are amazed at
the way I am able to quietly accept the chaos that continually
swirls around me. They describe me as patient and unflappable.
But my wife knows better. She has witnessed the gradual transformation
from cynicism and frustration to reluctant resignation.
She will also tell you that I didn't
go down without a fight. Not very many years ago I was still
clinging desperately to the fallacious notion that it was
not too late to live a respectable life - that I could somehow
become what I knew in my heart I was not - organized and in
control. My wife and I went out and found a beautiful almost-new
home with brilliant oak floors and woodwork to match. It had
a set of gorgeous crystal chandaliers in the entry and formal
dining room. Built-in oak bookcases framed a cozy fireplace
in the family room.
With visions of "Leave it to
Beaver" dancing in our heads, we bought the place and
moved our family in. For two years I fought bitterly to hold
onto that vision - even as it crumbled around me. I still
remember the day of ultimate revelation - when it became suddenly
clear to me that we did not belong in a house like that. One
of my young sons approached me carrying a sizable piece of
oak trim and commented off-handedly "Dad, this came off."
I looked at the trim and then gazed sadly around the room
- noting the stains on the carpet, the damaged mini-blinds,
and what was left of the hardwood floor. Then I turned to
my wife and said, "You know, honey, we really don't belong
here do we?" After two short years, the once gleaming
home required a complete rehabilitation. I quietly went out
and began shopping for a different house.
I am much more comfortable today.
Our "new" house is a 1900 vintage old fashioned
work horse, complete with indestructible walls (though my
kids are giving them a thorough testing). And while I am impressed
with its durability, I am still not completely satisfied.
In fact I have spent a good part of the last fourteen years
perfecting the plans for my dream home. You must understand
at the outset that this is all top secret information. If
my spouse were to find out about these plans it could mean
big trouble for me. My strategy is to warm her up gradually
to the idea.
So, o.k., here are the latest specs
on my dream house:
It starts with a concrete foundation
(4 feet thick), reinforced interior and exterior concrete
walls (four feet thick), and a concrete roof (also four feet
thick). The floors of each room will be gently sloped toward
the center of the room where an oversized drain will be installed.
To add visual appeal to the structure, I will make ample use
of Astroturf, plexiglass, stainless steel, and formica - lots
of formica.
Some people like central vacuum
systems - however, this house calls for something far more
imaginative. I envision a 2,000 GPM centralized high-pressure
hose system.
At the end of each day it will be
a simple matter of hooking up the high pressure sprayer and
hosing the place down. Aluminum dishes will remain permanently
fastened to the concrete dining table and will be cleaned
via an overhead jet sprayer. And of course all the waste-water
will funnel nicely down the central drain system.
The master suite will be constructed
of the same four-foot thick concrete, however it will also
be entirely encased in half-inch steel plating. It will be
completely soundproof and virtually impenetrable from the
rest of the house. It will be fully equipped with a digital
(and waterproof) sound system, and a state-of-the-art alarm
system. The master-bath complex will include his and her jacuzzi
tubs and an olympic sized swimming pool. Adjacent to the pool
will be a 20,000 square foot gymnasium / fun-plex. Of course
all of this will be off limits to the kids who will be spending
most of their time in their own smaller play-room (undoubtedly
devising complex strategies to disable the sophisticated alarm
system and penetrate the master fortress).
I certainly hope that my wife will
be as enamored with the idea as I am. After investing so much
time and effort in the design process I am convinced that
any lesser housing system will prove disappointing. I haven't
quite figured out how how or when to approach her on it -
but I'm working on it. Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.
- Christopher Dunn
17 Phrases
you never want to hear when a child is near your work station.
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