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Tales from the Home Office...
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Take this job...
It's only two hours into the day
and I am already suffering from white knuckles, heart palpitations,
lower back pain and shortness of breath. And that just describes
the drive in to work.
Once I trudge into the office and
sit down at my desk all hell breaks loose. I am deluged with
meaningless paperwork and endless reports. My company seems
to take great pride in operating in perpetual crisis mode.
Everything is due "yesterday" and everything is
an emergency. Of course, in the end, no decisions of any consequence
are made because nothing is ever brought to closure - we're
too busy chasing our tails.
Case in point: on a recent
occasion, pandemonium swept through the office because a certain
pointy headed senior executive had another one of his impulsive,
Napoleonic fantasies about market domination. In his irrational
exuberance, he requested a comprehensive analysis of all plausible
options complete with graphs, charts, and a host of sensitivities.
He indicated that he wanted to see it "first thing in
the morning".
And while any lesser mind would
have taken one look at the inane request and laughed out loud,
I felt that this could be a real career maker if I could just
somehow pull it off. I glanced at my watch
It looked
to be another all-nighter.
Upon cursory examination, the project
seemed doomed to failure, but I decided to keep an open mind.
However, as I dug deeper into the analysis, it quickly became
evident that the idea was every bit as hair-brained as the
executive who had requested it. It was no more financially
viable than a random spin of the roulette wheel. My hamster
could have dreamed up a more elegant solution to our business
problems than this so called "seasoned" executive.
Undeterred, I plowed forward, certain that the career payoff
would ultimately overshadow the obvious futility of the exercise.
Even though the project was laughable,
through significant personal sacrifice and a healthy dose
of creative license, I was able to pull together a presentation
that made my peers green with envy. The result was nothing
short of heroic - and everyone knew it. The logical next step
was a personal and permanent invitation to the executive suite.
I seemed destined for the fast track.
Early the next morning, with no
small amount of anticipation, I made my way up to the ivory
tower where I found my man lazily perusing the morning paper
over a cup of coffee.
I announced proudly that I was there
to deliver the proposal that he had so urgently requested.
He seemed caught off guard and temporarily
disoriented.
"Proposal? Oh yes, thank
you, just set it right there."
"Don't you want to go
through it while I'm here in case you have any questions?"
I asked hesitantly.
He let out a deep sigh, and begrudgingly
picked up the proposal and began to thumb through it.
I watched and listened intently
for the slightest hint of an approving expression.
"Hmm." He
said thoughtfully.
Something had obviously struck a
chord with him - probably my astute observation about the
possibility of a 20-year bond issue to finance a proposed
leveraged buyout.
"Nice graphs" ,
he said. "I really like that color combination."
"O.K., well, if there's
nothing else, I'll have my secretary add this to the file.
Thanks for dropping it by."
And with that he turned his attention
back to his newspaper.
Add it to the file?! That's
it?! After the fire drill I just went through I would
have expected an immediate announcement of a hostile takeover
- or at least a major presentation to the board of directors.
I mean, under the circumstances, having his secretary "add
it to the file" just didn't cut it. Wasn't there something
more to be said? Where was the recognition for all of my hard
work and creativity?
I was overcome by a wave of depression
and self-pity. Then, just as I was turning to leave, he spoke
again.
"This is really great!"
My heart skipped a beat. "You
mean the proposal?" I asked hopefully.
"No, this Dilbert cartoon.
It's just too funny. It's about this pin-headed boss who is
always making these absurd requests."
"Yes I think I see the
resemblance." I muttered under my breath.
"What's that?"
he asked.
"Er, ah, yes, I am familiar
with Dilbert - very funny indeed."
"Boy" ,
he continued, "can you imagine having a guy like
that around?"
"Yes. Yes, I think I can..."
Leaving him to his cartoons, I wandered
off to nurse my wounds.
That night I had a dream where my
boss gave me just one too many mindless projects. As he attempted
to convey the importance and urgency of this particular project,
he began to expound on the virtues of multi-tasking. I told
him that multi-tasking was for computers and monkeys.
He went cross-eyed for a full ten
seconds. At the same time his complexion alternated between
varying shades of red, purple and gray.
I woke up in a cold sweat and resolved
that working from home was worth it - even if it meant living
on Top Ramen and tuna fish for awhile.
Customer
avoidance techniques for the socially challenged
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Tales From the Home Office
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