The
Continuing Exploits
of Mr. Jones
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Episode 11: Mr. Jones Applies to
Law School
Following an extended trip
to the Carribean.
Letter to Harvard Law School
Admissions:
To Whom It May Concern:
Please find attached the completed
application for admission to the Harvard Law School. I have
always been interested in pursuing a career in Law and have
recently come to a point in my life where this now seems possible.
While I realize that my grades and
scores are "borderline" for admission to a world-class
organization such as Harvard, I believe that you will find
my background and experience compelling in other respects.
For instance, I would draw your
attention to my term as President of Acme Enterprises - one
of the leading manufacturers of widgets in the country. During
my tenure as President I successfully implemented an Employee
Stock Ownership program and grew the stock price four-fold.
I believe that these results speak for themselves.
I anxiously await your favorable
reply as I am eager to begin my preparations as soon as possible.
Sincerely,
Wilbur H. Jones II
Harvard Law School Response:
Dear Mr. Jones:
We have reviewed your application
for admission to the Harvard Law School and found it lacking
in every respect. It is obvious that you did not undergo our
on-line self-assessment. Had you done so it would have saved
us all some time. We can only assume that you do not possess
the rudimentary technology skills necessary to complete our
on-line application.
Your LSAT score would be considered
laughable marginal even for a University
with a liberal admission standard. And while your GPA of 2.7
may be acceptable for the Community Colleges that you have
frequented, it does not comply with our minimum standard for
academic performance.
In short, we find absolutely nothing
in your application that would recommend you as a candidate
for this program. To the contrary; to admit an individual
with your background and aptitude would be a grave dereliction
of duty on the part of this admissions committee.
Regrettably, we must reject your
application for admission to the Harvard Law School. Please
do not contact us again - ever. You may consider
this our final communication.
Warmest Regards,
Harvard Law School Admissions
P.S. As to your purported
experience as CEO of Acme Enterprises, we have conducted a
preliminary background investigation and concluded that this
claim is blatantly false. The tax returns you filed for the
period in question show an annual salary that is more in line
with a minimum wage earning sanitation engineer - a discrepancy
which a lesser institution would undoubtedly not have caught.
Might we remind you that falsifying admissions information
is a very serious offense and one that is punishable by expulsion.
Naturally, that is not a problem you will ever encounter as
we can assure you that you will never gain entry to this venerable
institution.
Next
Episode: Mr. Jones Settles for a Mail Order Degree
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