The
Continuing Exploits
of Mr. Jones
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Episode 10: Mr. Jones Laughs Last
Linda: Mr. Evil,
here is a letter from Jones' attorney asking you to immediately
remit a check for $1.2 million dollars payable to Mr. Jones.
Evil: On what grounds?
That is the most preposterous thing I have ever heard! Why
I oughta strangle the little weasel. I can tell you right
now he won't ever get another dime from my company.
Linda: With all due
respect sir, I believe he is legally entitled to it.
Evil: O.K. Linda,
I'm listening and this better be good.
Linda: It is part
of the severence package invoked by his golden parachute clause
sir.
Evil: Linda, I hate
to tell you this, but there is no such clause in our corporate
governances! I should know - I helped draft them.
Linda: Well, there
were some changes made in your absence sir.
Evil: The board would
never have authorized changes of this nature - I know because
I hand picked almost half of them.
Linda: Well, that
is another thing I was meaning to mention to you. There has
been a major reshuffling of the board.
Evil: Reshuffling
of the board??
Linda: Yes, three
of your people were replaced.
Evil: How could they
have been? An action like that would have required stock holder
approval. There is absolutely no way that Jones could have
exercised that kind of influence over a majority of the stockholders
in my absence. How could any of them in their right mind have
demonstrated any confidence at all in a low-life lame duck
like Jones?
Linda: Well, sir
Mr. Jones implemented a new ESOP.
Evil: ESOP? What's
that?
Linda: An Employee
Stock Ownership Program. The Union voted to take a very large
portion of their 401K assets and purchase company stock.
Evil: Why would they
do that? They don't know anything about the stock market!
Linda: Jones persuaded
them to do it. He said that because of the bad press we received
the stock was trading at a three year low and at just slightly
more than the company's book asset value.
Evil: How do you
know all of this?
Linda: I am part
of the ESOP sir.
Evil: You??  
What do you know about stock investments?!
Linda: Actually quite
a bit now -- thanks to the town hall meetings held by Mr.
Jones.
Evil: I suppose the
next thing you'll tell me is that your stock has doubled in
value.
Linda: Actually sir,
it has quadrupled in value.
Evil: This is insane!
So you're telling me that the employees now hold a stock interest
in this company?
Linda: A very large
and influential interest sir.
Evil: Outrageous!
  No one controls this company but me.
Linda: Yes, well,
as I was saying· the stockholding employees voted to replace
three of your board members.
Evil: Who did they
replace them with?
Linda: Well, there
is Harry Smith·
Evil: Harry Smith??!
  That man is a janitor who has never done an honest days
work in his life! He is illiterate for crying out loud!
Linda: Well, he now
represents the Union as a member of the Board of Directors
sir.
Evil: O.K., Let me
see if I have this right. Jones bumbles his way into an interim
leadership position, orchestrates a massive employee stock
purchase program, ousts three of my favorite board members,
replaces them with his illiterate goons, and has them approve
an ammendment to the corporate bylaws giving him a generous
severance package in the event of a sudden dismissal?  
Did I miss anything?
Linda: Only that
your country club membership was transferred into the name
of Mr. Jones last week.
Evil: What??  
I was on the waiting list for over 15 years to get that membership!
Evil: Sigh -- I can
see that this is going to be a long year. This used
to be such a nice place to work·
Next
Episode: Mr. Jones Applies to Law School
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