The
Continuing Exploits
of Mr. Jones
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Episode 1: Mr. Jones Gets a Job
At the Job Interview:
Jones: Good morning
Mr. Evil, I appreciate your taking the time to interview me
this morning. I am very excited about the job opportunity.
Evil Employer: Mr.
Jones, let's just cut to the chase, shall we? Why don't you
start by explaining to me what it is that you bring to the
table.
Jones: Certainly.
I guess I should start by asserting that I am a very hard
worker. I --
Evil Employer: Now
wait just a minute here. I've been sitting here looking at
your faux Rolex and those perfectly manicured nails. I don't
believe that you have ever done an honest day's work in your
life. Now... I'm going to ask you one more time - What is
it that you bring to the table?
Jones: Well, uh,
sure, O.K. As you can see from my resume, I have a significant
amount of excellent experience that I believe is relevant
to this position.
Evil Employer: Come
now Mr. Jones, let's not fool ourselves. I don't see anything
on this resume that strikes me as the least bit noteworthy.
In fact, it is preposterous that you believe that you are
capable of stepping into a job like this. I mean anyone could
take one look at you and know that you don't have what it
takes. And the idea that your insignificant experience somehow
qualifies you to assume the duties of Apprentice Sanitation
Engineer at our firm is ludicrous.
Jones: Apprentice
Sanitation Engineer?! Why I was under the assumption
that this was a supervisory position.
Evil: Mr. Jones.
Surely you don't believe that we would just bring someone
in off the streets and start them out as a manager. No, you
will claw your way up the organization the way the rest of
us did. You'll start as an Apprentice Sanitation Engineer,
then work your way up to the mailroom... You know the routine.
Now for the last time, Mr. Jones, What do you bring to the
table?
Jones: Well, Mr.
Evil, I guess I'm not quite sure what it is you are asking.
Could you help me build my understanding?
Evil: What do you
bring to the table Jones? What do you bring to the party?
I don't know how much more clearly I can articulate it!
Jones: So that I
may be in a better position to answer that question, could
you be so kind as to briefly summarize my duties as an Apprentice
Sanitation Engineer?
Evil: Oh for crying
out loud! It's latrine duty Jones. Latrine duty!! We're not
talking rocket science here.
Jones: Uh, latrine
duty, right. O.K. then.
Evil: O.K. Jones,
let's back up. I can see right now that you're the kind of
person who is going to require a lot of hand holding. Let's
go a little more slowly. Why don't you go ahead and take me
through your resume.
Jones: Yes, that
would be great. Thank you. I guess I'll start with my current
job. I work as the Production Line Supervisor of the XYZ Widget
Company.
Evil: Jones, I don't
know what you're trying to pull here, but I can tell you right
now you that won't get away with it.
Jones: What do you
mean?
Evil: Let's just
say that I've got a nose for these things and this one smells
funny. You say that you are the Production Line Supervisor
do you? Well, we'll see about that.
Evil: Presses intercom
button: Linda - get the President of the XYZ Widget
Company on the line will you? Let's just see what he has to
say about this matter.
Linda: Right away
sir.
Jones: You mean you're
going to call him right now?
Evil: Yes of course
I am. That's not a problem is it? You seem to be losing some
of the color in your face.
Jones: Well, uh,
can't we finish the interview first? I mean this is my current
employer after all. I haven't really told them that I'm looking
for a new job.
Evil: So, what you're
saying is that you would rather I didn't call your boss? Jones,
something strikes me as highly irregular here. Now, are you
a production line supervisor or aren't you?
Linda via Intercom:
Mr. Evil, I have the President of XYZ on the phone - he sounds
real busy and rather irate.
Evil: Well now, Jones,
do you have anything to tell me before we speak to your boss?
Jones: All right,
I'm not really a Production Line Supervisor per se - more
like a team member - and I work the 2nd shift. I don't have
direct responsibility for any other employees - er, it's more
like I supervise the production of my own work - if that makes
any sense.
Evil: So, by your
own admission you have perjured yourself. Well now, isn't
that interesting?
Evil via Intercom:
Linda. get rid of the XYZ guy and summon security - and while
you're at it, get the FBI on the phone, I think they will
be very interested in knowing a little something about the
falsified information Mr. Jones has been sending via the Postal
Service. I think we've got a live one here - 1st degree mail
fraud!
Evil: I hope you
have a good attorney Jones.
Jones: This is crazy!
I just came in for a simple interview! I can't believe this
is happening! Please, can't we just talk this over? I'll come
clean, I promise.
Evil: So you want
me to give you another chance, eh?
Jones: Oh, yes -
Please Sir.
Evil: Look at you
- you're a mess! Pull yourself together man. How could you
have ever imagined that you could come in here begging for
a job from this firm and be met with any degree of success?
I am not in the business of hiring people who turn to mush
at the slightest hint of discomfort. Why don't we just be
honest with ourselves here and save us both some time? You
and I both know that you have the backbone of a spineless
amoeba. Admit it Jones. You're a LOSER!
Jones: No! I'm not
a loser. I can do this job. I know I can.
Evil: That's better
Jones. Now show me! There's quite a mess in the men's bathroom
down on the production floor. Get down there and make me proud!
Here - take this sponge.
Jones: You want me
to clean it right now??
Evil: Jones, I'm
trying to help you here. Work with me!
Jones: Yes Sir, right
away Sir.
Jones Exits
Evil via Intercom:
Linda, get Jones assigned to the swing shift team - men's
restroom on the production floor. I think we've finally filled
our vacancy.
Next
Episode: Mr. Jones Gets a Promotion
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