Redneck
Letter
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Dear
Billy Joe Bob, I'm writing this slow because I
know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your
Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your
home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family
that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to
change their address. This place is really nice.
It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though, Last week
I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven't seen it since. The
weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three
days and the second time for four days. About
that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it would be too heavy to
send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We
were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't
found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby
looks just like your brother. Uncle Bobby Ray
fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought
them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days. Three
of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled
down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back, they
drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. Your
Favorite Aunt
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